Which foe should Godzilla fight next?

Godzilla has stomped all over the weekend box office, proving that, given the right conditions, humans will run toward a 36-story monster. Once again “Godzilla x Kong: The New Empire” finds the very large lizard and the very great ape fighting themselves and some similarly gigantic foes. Across his 70-year history in Japanese and American films, Godzilla has amassed a rogue’s gallery of kaiju to face down, from King Ghidorah to Mothra to Mechagodzilla to Millie Bobby Brown. (Kidding! She is neither skyscraper-sized nor Godzilla’s enemy.) He’s really only as good as whomever he’s pummeling.

But he’ll be back; Godzilla will always be back. Will he once again have Kong in tow? What other intellectual properties will he encounter? And will he win? I have some suggestions.

Godzilla vs. Superman

The Man of Steel makes for a natural opponent. In the lead-up to the release of “Godzilla x Kong,” DC Comics published a series titled “Justice League vs. Godzilla vs. Kong” — and Superman got walloped. Despite his comparatively smaller stature, the Man of Steel would make an interesting adversary for Godzilla in the movies. The human storylines — something Godzilla flicks sometimes fail to flesh out — would be an easier sell. (The basic plot of the Japanese “Godzilla Minus One” would work with a bit of Clark Kent and Lois Lane.) As for who would actually win? Superman would pester Godzilla like a sun-powered gnat.

Winner: Superman

End of carousel

Godzilla vs. Optimus Prime

This one is a simple pitch. Optimus Prime is the iconic leader of the Transformers, who turns into a red and blue semi-truck; Godzilla is a giant lizard. Pow. You could imagine a third-act turn in which Prime and Godzilla must team up to protect humanity from the threat of Megatron and the Decepticons. Better yet: Set the whole thing on Cybertron, the home of the Transformers. No humans needed.

Winner: Everyone

Godzilla vs. the Dune sandworms

Look at that: two hit franchises starring giant critters. Capitalizing on the success of “Dune: Part Two,” Warner Bros. could have Godzilla fight a giant sandworm from the deserts of Arrakis. This fight would certainly come down to location. An Arrakeen Sandworm cannot survive in water, where it would die rather quickly. Conversely, Godzilla comes from the ocean. So Godzilla would have a massive advantage here on Earth, while desert-covered Arrakis would be a different story.

Winner: Stalemate

Godzilla vs. Bugs Bunny

The anarchic slapstick of Bugs would present some difficulties for the famous monster. Think of the bits Mr. Bunny could do with Godzilla’s atomic breath. Sure, he’s a small rabbit, but Bugs has shown an ability to increase his mass in glorious violation of the laws of physics. Additionally, Bugs would probably be able to marshal the help of fellow Looney Tunes, like in “Space Jam.” By the film’s climax, they’d climb into massive “Pacific Rim”-style suits to fight Godzilla and protect planet Earth. And that’d be all, folks.

Winner: It’s kaiju-hunting season.

Godzilla vs. Caitlin Clark

With her limitless range and inventive shot creation, Caitlin Clark has the ability to become one of the best WNBA players ever. In early March, Clark passed Pete Maravich to become the all-time leading scorer in NCAA history. More than just an elite offensive force, Clark is the first college basketball player to truly capture the attention of the country since Zion Williamson and his thunderous dunks during the 2018-2019 season. At 22, she is already a major American sports personality and one of the most exciting young athletes on the planet.

With all that being said, I am not optimistic about her ability to combat Godzilla’s ability to stomp really hard.

Winner: Godzilla

Godzilla vs. 80 smaller Godzillas

What’s better than one Godzilla? Eighty Godzillas. At the start of the film, a scientist with wild hair and big goggles could find a piece of the original kaiju and begin growing smaller versions of the creature in a lab. They would then be able to swarm the large parent, overtaking him with sheer numbers. In a scene reminiscent of “Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull,” the beast would be slowly consumed. It would be a gruesome death, but an opportunity to create an interconnected universe of Godzilla’s 80 offspring.

Winner: The clones

Godzilla vs. Paul Giamatti’s character from ‘The Holdovers’

On the surface, Paul Giamatti’s Paul Hunham seems like an easy enemy for Godzilla. He’s slow, socially and professionally stunted, and canonically smells like fish. On the other hand, there is nothing quite like getting yelled at by an English teacher with very little else to do. I don’t think this would ever result in Giamatti’s character actually winning — there’s still that pesky atomic breath — but I think Hunham could make Godzilla feel small for at least a few minutes.

Winner: Still Godzilla

Godzilla vs. the feeling of ennui

It comes for us all. That sense that you are not meeting your full potential (stomping other monsters) and instead are just coasting through life (stomping Paul Giamatti’s character from “The Holdovers”). The big fella is not immune to this feeling; after seven decades of destroying tanks and crushing civilians, he may even be questioning his purpose. Perhaps he’d find fulfillment by protecting rather than destroying. I for one hope he is able to overcome his self-doubt and find personal joy in whatever life has to offer.

Winner: Godzilla


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